The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
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No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.