If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
You Might Also Like
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism