me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
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“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.