Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
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Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him