FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
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today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
see you in hell you stupid fruit
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee