Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
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Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid