I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
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My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”