Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
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I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
Ladies, why y’all do this?
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*