What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
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Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
huge valentines day plans this year!!
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.