people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
You Might Also Like
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.