I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
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Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
When someone says you are so lazy
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
Doctors texting each other.
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.