I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
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Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
umm…
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,