wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
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guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.