Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
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Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that