If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
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Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.