I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
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If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
Spotted in New Orleans.
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab