How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
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Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
That was easy.
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more