If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
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Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
how much for the angry fruit?
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.