Cndnsd Mlk
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Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.