Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
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No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
Finally, an explanation.