I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
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She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
#SCOTUS one-star review
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
never ask a starfish for directions
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out