Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
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The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
we’re gonna need another temp
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?