All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
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If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.