Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
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where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
Beware of the dog..
🙂🙃🥹
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”