I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
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*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
where’s Godzilla when we need him
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway