making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
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People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence9: Yummm! What’s that smell?
Me: Cereal
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*