ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
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[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.