Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
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“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
Iβm going to start calling it βAuto Carrotβ just so it can see how it feels.
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no β€οΈ
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
Carpe DM
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
Me: hold on are youβ
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:βBob Ross?
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
Just threw a ghost boomerang. Thatβs gonna come back to haunt me.
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up