Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
You Might Also Like
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you