Most fashion shows these days…
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I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
this has to be peak English
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
Penguins walking in 5x speed
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.