I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
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When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
very niche meme I made
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat