I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
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Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.