“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
You Might Also Like
How does one answer this?
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swordsHow about your kid?
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.