[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
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I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
Kid: Mommy what time is it?
Me{Showering}: Go look at the clock
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
*Walks back past daddy
Kid: Theres a 2 & a 9 & a 8
Me: Which is first?
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
Kid: Now theres 2 nines
Me: It’s 9:..
Kid: WAIT LET ME CHECK AGAIN!
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?