My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
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Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.