the pigeons are already plenty salty
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I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
this came to me in a vision
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….