14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
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Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
The only equipped I am is ill.
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.