My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
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Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.