Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
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any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
❤️❤️❤️
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It