I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
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Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?