People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
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The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
My whole life was a lie.
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
Accurate
Cardio Made Easy
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information