[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael
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If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”