No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
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step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
#damn
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.