hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
You Might Also Like
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.