When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
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Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
me and who
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
it’s finally my moment to shine
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you