Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
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Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.
Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*