How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
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My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
I have many caverns
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.