CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
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A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”