I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
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first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
Plumber: I think I found the problem
Hero horse inspires millions
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.