Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
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A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
A game married people play.
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
Times when calories don’t count:
1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner
2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack
3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot
4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did
one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
me working on my assignments ^-^
Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
#MeanwhileinCanada
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.